I'm writing this in a moment of strength irregardless if it's fueled by anger so that in moments of weakness, or when I feel sad, I can look back and lean on it.
At this point I am done - in a literal as well as proverbial sense. I have never felt more alone than I have recently and rather than trying to figure out why, I guess it's easier to just look at the fact that I am indeed alone. It's a hard point to make and an even harder thing to face, but it's necessary.
Chuck Palahniuk said - "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." I feel fair in saying that at 35, I know what it feels like to loose just about anything a person could loose that matters to them. I know there are many who have it worse. I'm not just saying that - I truly know there are, and it helps me to push on. I know that I've been dealt a shittier hand than most, and even though there are some that feel like they are owed by the world for the wrongs life has dealt them regardless if they lack merit, I've never felt like I was owed my share. Call me pessimistic, but I choose to call it realism - I prefer to stay off life's radar and hope that if it doesn't fuck with me I won't fuck with it. I also know that I can't "fine" my way through life. I am learning slowly to accept defeat, that which I can't control, and to feel (not just think) my along.
I don't know if it's my new-found emotions steering me, or this path that life has been constantly re-inventing for me but regardless of it's origin I have had this overwhelming and at times stifling feeling of loneliness and isolation that I can't shake. As I said initially, I can't ignore the black and white reality that I am indeed alone. I also can't shake the feeling that maybe I need to accept that, and not be one of those that expects a handout because of the shit I've been dealt.
Maybe I expect too much of people? Maybe it's not mine to expect from them, and maybe it's not theirs to give. Maybe I'm focusing too much energy on others, because I know that I don't feel much energy being focused on me. Maybe it's too much to expect something as simple as a "how are you" even when you take the time to ask someone how they are.
I could go on and on, but that would be contradictory to the point of all of this.
I am done. I am done trying and trying while I feel like I am dying from all the trying because it shouldn't be so hard. I am done with calling and texting and thinking of friends who don't pick up, never call, and apparently don't think of me. I've been told and told to ask for help. Now I know that it's better not to, because when you do ask, it hurts more when no one is there. I guess ironically I know now what the saying "ignorance is bliss" really means, because it didn't hurt before when I didn't ask.
I also know that I have been wasting too much time trying to reach out, and I've been wasting the limited emotions I have feeling badly and I can't afford it anymore. I don't know how much of this is self-righteous, but there's nothing else to think. I don't know what of my expectations have been selfish or demanding, but I feel in my heart that I've only expected from others what I would and have given to them of myself. I have so much heaviness in my heart, and I have to choose between what I can control in my life and what I can't. I can't control a lot of the heartbreak I've experienced nor the sadness and grief it has brought, and I'm learning that it's okay cry... to be human. I am also learning that while I am starting to accept my humanity, those tears need to be earned and not wasted.
From this point forward I am making a promise - I will treat others as they treat me. Nothing more. Nothing less. I will stop wasting energy and time that is undeserved on people that don't have the time for me.
I promise this to my friends, to my therapist, to Jr... to those who have been there...
I promise this to Miah for being a parent to our child regardless of everything else...
I promise this to my mom and dad... they made me to be better than this...
Most importantly I promise this to Jameson... he deserves the best of me... and so...I promise this to myself.
